เสียดาย ก่อนตาย Mr.Jonathan Head
ผู้สื่อข่าว BBC ประจำประเทศไทย และผู้ชำนาญการด้าน
ไทยคดีศึกษาของอังกฤษ
ไม่ได้อ่าน
The critique had been written in harmonious spirit with the EUROPEAN UNION - THAILAND , “SEMINAR ON RECONCILIATION AND FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION”, BANGKOK
Thai poetry: critique of a “poem” by Mr. Somyot Prueksakasemsuk
วิจารณ์บทกวีอันไพเราะ ของ คุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข
-- A perfect BRAGGADOCIO ?
แดง ใบเล่ -- the critic
Attention intro: amis de la poésie, bonsoir.
How could father-son love be possibly sweetened beyond this point?
The poem of Thailand’s high profile professional Hakka activist with a Thai language name -- Somyos P. or Somyot Pruksakasemsuk--is worth studying for those around the globe who really care for liberty of expression, freedom of speech, as well as human rights watching, and of course, Thai poetry.
Unfortunately, the globe suddenly became a miniscule pebble once the last word had been pronounced.
As a person who appreciates Thai language and literature, I feel honoured that a professional Hakka political activist like Mr.Somyos pays any attention at all to Thai poetry.
Unfortunately, the globe suddenly became a miniscule pebble once the last word had been pronounced.
This critical essay had been prepared with gratitude and thanks, to Mr.Somyos. But, my critique of his above poem was written for a small number of people around the cyberworld who knows both English and Thai, with a little notion of French. Nevertheless, it is by no means a piece of translation.
To make the critique as comprehensive but concise as possible, the use of languages had to be in double mode. Therefore, with some reserve, it could serve as a language exercise for readers as well as myself. This is particularly true for those who are studying Thai language and literature beyond the superficial sex tourist level, which usually concentrates on the anatomy, not culture. By and large, writing this article did give me an awesome enjoyment.
ขอขอบคุณ คุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข อย่างจริงใจ ที่ได้สร้างสรรค์งานขึ้นไว้ -- my thanks to Mr.Somyos.
ขอขอบคุณ คุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข อย่างจริงใจ ที่ได้สร้างสรรค์งานขึ้นไว้ -- my thanks to Mr.Somyos.
Très poussé. The poem shows how courageous the author was in his attempt at its composition.
The three stanzas deal with three aspects of life: love, bravery and social progressivism. It ends in transcending dreams into dream-like reality—the dream of dreams.
"Les prétendues définitions de la poésie ne sont, et ne peuvent être, que des documents sur la manière de voir et de s'exprimer de leurs auteurs." (Paul Valéry)
A quote from Paul Valéry did the trick in lucidating my mind. Being mindful I took three deep breaths, giving needed energy to my sub-consciousness. Voilà, I couldn’t have found a better guideline to focus on the task: centering it around the author’s “la manière de voir et de s'exprimer” , or roughly “the outlook and self-expression of the author”, seems just and fair.
Fairness is important in the world of Anglophones, I presume. While justice is important to everybody, including Mr.Somyos P. and myself, especially when one dutifully practices the liberty of expression and freedom of speech as you will progressively learn in reading this article.
The two opening lines of his composition, the first stanza, display father-love-son-very-much sentiment by words arrangement in the form of Bolt-8 type of Thai poetry, or Glon-Paed.
Categorical assurance in analyzing the poem will then be, “la poésie doit répondre à la question de son pourquoi ”; approximately -- “the poem must answer the question of its Why” .
Et oui, pourquoi?
The famous Bolt-8 type of Thai poem: a tourist guide
Among many forms of Thai poetry, Bolt-8 variety stands out as one of the most well-known.
Sunthorn Phu, a great poet, used it in his chef-d’œuvre. Naowarat P. and Angkarn K., the famous contemporary poets, just breathe in and breathe out with stanzas of Bolt-8 poetry.
Angkarn K. also skillfully used it in his social and political protest, almost daily recently until his death in 2012. No foreigners know Angkarn and his greatness because he has no interest in speaking ‘Tinglish’. And no fake or non-fake “intellectuals ofSiam
Most school students can recite few words of Bolt-8 poem. Many songs are written in verses of this kind of poetry. Contemporary fan clubs of this type of poems are abound in Thai poetry website and social media.
Sunthorn Phu, a great poet, used it in his chef-d’œuvre. Naowarat P. and Angkarn K., the famous contemporary poets, just breathe in and breathe out with stanzas of Bolt-8 poetry.
Angkarn K. also skillfully used it in his social and political protest, almost daily recently until his death in 2012. No foreigners know Angkarn and his greatness because he has no interest in speaking ‘Tinglish’. And no fake or non-fake “intellectuals of
Most school students can recite few words of Bolt-8 poem. Many songs are written in verses of this kind of poetry. Contemporary fan clubs of this type of poems are abound in Thai poetry website and social media.
Et pourquoi? Perhaps it’s due to Bolt-8 ‘s popular base that Mr.Somyos P., as a professional activist, which means he is fed by being an activist -- as simple as that, has chosen this type of poetry to express himself. Not to say he is envious of Angkarn P., and that he know not all other types of Thai poem. And mind you, I, as the critic, haven’t yet proven that he knows this one.
The following schema shows structure of Bolt-8 in two stanzas (four lines). Letters in parentheses represent optional rhyming syllables;
OOO OO OOA
|
OOA O(A) OOB
| |
OOO OO OOB
|
OOB O(B) OOC
| |
OOO OO OOD
|
OOD O(D) OOC
| |
OOO OO OOC
|
OOC O(C) OOO
|
Of which the Thai style full structural representation appears as follows,
To make sense of the why and the how - le pourquoi et le comment, gurus of Thai poetry analysis and critique have articulated for us that a good Bolt-8 poetry comprises: “คำประพันธ์ที่ดี 1. ข้อความดี 2. สัมผัสดี 3. แต่งถูกต้องตามลักษณะบังคับ” which roughly mean: good content, good rhyming, and following the poetic form.
“Good content”: pourquoi couldn’t it be less good?
The title of the poem: “To younger brother Tai, my beloved son”, has given to the readers a good reason of why it is written. But how come that a beloved son is also a younger brother?
The why: by calling one’s son or daughter “nong” -- literally means younger brother or younger sister, the speaker is displaying a gentle, even sweet, way of addressing his younger sons. However, since in the case of Mr.Somyos the son is about twenty years old -- the the use of the intimate pronoun “nong” had resulted in creating some titilation effect.
The how: Mr.Somyos could have used “nong” to evoke, by its sense of intimacy, an emotive and sympathetic feeling in the readers’ mind, since his writing was not meant to be a private sentimental letter. It had been funnelled into the media, both traditional and social media. Intimacy, therefore, might have been inserted as a rhetoric device to instantly engage the public who are used to fast reading. Moreover, by calling his son “nong”, he did rejuvenate the young man, his twenty something years old son, to be a cute little boy once more. But the process is risky, even in poetry.
The first stanza--first two lines of Bolt-8 writing, shows the love he has towards his son: how charming and adorable the young man is. Mr.Somyos describes his fondness for “younger brother Tai” in a more and more sugarly manner as his words arrangement progresses from the beginning of the stanza to the end of it. For example, เธอคือดอกไม้งาม... เธอคือมณีแก้ว... เธอคือพลัง... strong, flattery, sensual mataphors were brought into play and into display, including a progressivist-turned-commonplace: เธอคือพลัง.
เธอคือดอกไม้งาม...A sweet personal pronoun “thoe”(เธอ) is used to address his son, in addition to the pronoun “nong”. The pronoun "thoe" revealed another problematic word choice of Mr.Somyos.
In everyday Thai language, if the speaker is a FEMALE, which is the sex that prefers using this fragrant pronoun, “thoe” can address both a female and a male second person. But if the speaker is a mature male, who rarely uses the pronoun“thoe” , then it is meant to address the person who is an intimate female, for example, his wife or lover. The nuance is well learned at a tender age among school friends, and mainly from female school teachers who are probably the people most employing the pronoun “thoe”.
As a male speaker at his age, the manner in which Mr.Somyos speaks to his son, taking into account also his son’s age, even in poetry, is so sweet and queer indeed: I mean strange. Ça donne le frisson. It makes a quiver. While reading it, one could shudder like being gripped by the Saturday late night fever. (ใข้ขึ้นตอนดึกวันเสาร์ฺ).
Putting more sugar in his speech, Mr.Somyos compares his son to a beautiful flower. Although this metaphor is easily understood across cultures as refering to a beautiful female person. But other than being relevant to people, it could also represent a deep romantic sentiment as appears, for example, in the poem “One Perfect Rose” by Dorothy Parker; here is her first stanza,
A single flow’r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep – hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet –
One perfect rose.
After being one perfect flower, then -- a gallant Don Quixote
The second stanza begins each of its four sentences, or each วรรค(wak), with the lead phrase“Brave to …” : 1) Brave to resist, 2) Brave to rebel, 3) Brave to harden himself, 4) Brave to fight with intrusive love fighting bravery.
กล้าต้านเผด็จการอันเคี้ยวคด กล้าขบถต่อกฏเกณฑ์อันเลวร้าย
กล้าแกร่งด้วยศรัทธาที่ท้าทาย กล้าสู้ด้วยหมายรัีกหักหาญกล้า
กล้า =brave to … (underlined by the critic)
Mr.Somyos proudly shows the world his admiration for his son in four kinds of bravery. First, his son is brave to resist the “tricky dictator”. Second, he is brave to rebel against the “wicked law”. Third, he is brave to harden his character with“challenging faith (or strengthening himself with faith and then challenge)”, and finally he is brave to “fight with intrusive love fighting bravery”. My translation is literal.
Reading the first line of this stanza could have given me the fright of my life if I had not been mindful: taking three deep breaths. His words try to convince me of the existence of a hellish and ruthless country on earth: ruled by the tricky dictator and the wicked law.
What a relief, the Knight-errant comes galloping in the second line: challenging faith/strengthened with faith and then challenge, fighting with intrusive love fighting bravery -- descriptive words confusingly characterizing the bravery of his beloved son in earnest.
What a relief, the Knight-errant comes galloping in the second line: challenging faith/strengthened with faith and then challenge, fighting with intrusive love fighting bravery -- descriptive words confusingly characterizing the bravery of his beloved son in earnest.
Mr.Somyos begins his writing by being political, then turns revolutionary, follows by being spiritual, and ends romantically in the fourth “brave to …”. All heroic actions of his beloved son are economically performed by words arrangement of one stanza in his Bolt-8 “poem” with four “brave-to” phrases.
However, my understanding of his third brave to,
“brave to get strengthened with challenging faith”
or “brave to hardened with faith, and then challenge...”,
is unclear.
Whether he means inwardly that his son is brave to strengthen himself with the help of a certain kind of faith that is challenging; or outwardly to be brave to aggressively CHALLENGE the tricky dictator and wicked law.
Does he mean a ponderous “brave-to” challenge, or an action oriented “brave-to” challenge?
Does he mean a ponderous “brave-to” challenge, or an action oriented “brave-to” challenge?
Quite possibly, Mr.Somyos’ repetitive uses of Relative Pronouns “อัน” and follows by another “อัน”, and then the Relative Pronoun “ที่”, have confused me. The frequent use of Relative Pronouns on the same line of writing is uncommon in Thai language.
The short, emphatetic, but quicky long march from Gandhi to Mao and beyond
ก้าวเกิดขบวนการอหิงสา ก้าวนำพามวลชนพ้นทางตัน
ก้าวไปให้ถึงฝั่งแห่งความฝัน ก้าวไปให้ถึงวันฝันเป็นจริง
ก้าว =to march … (underlined by the critic).
In this third and final stanza, Mr.Somyos praises his son caricaturistically for 1) marching to give birth to the non-violent movement, 2) marching the mass out of the impasse, 3) marching to the bank(not a financial institution) of dream, and finally 4) marching to arrive at the day when dreams come true. These are almost direct translations from Thai, if you could not make any sense out of it -- too bad.
But there is one thing we can be sure of -- that is: the father have a magnifying-turned-desperate dream for himself and his son. The dream that seems so enormous, awesome, and braggadocio that “I have a dream,” of Martin Luther King would be dwarfed, reduced to an infinitesimal peck of dust. Énorme!
But there is one thing we can be sure of -- that is: the father have a magnifying-turned-desperate dream for himself and his son. The dream that seems so enormous, awesome, and braggadocio that “I have a dream,” of Martin Luther King would be dwarfed, reduced to an infinitesimal peck of dust. Énorme!
Critique of “good content”
1st stanza: “my son is a perfect rose”.
To compare the beauty of a person male or female with a flower, whichever, does not exist in the canon (I wrote canon, not cannon) of Thai poetry -- and it’s a huge canon. It prefers to compare a beautiful person, usually female, with the Moon, หะหายกระต่ายเต้น ชมจันทร์, while a popular metaphor will refer a beautiful person to heavenly beings, เทพ or เทวดา.
Basically, in poetry as well as in life, Thai language expresses parental love in moderation. Here is a classic example of a mother and her young son, also in Bolt-8 poetic form,
แม่รักลูก ลูกก็รู้ อยู่ว่ารัก คนอื่นสัก หมื่นแสน ไม่แม้นเหมือน
จะกินนอน วอนว่า เมตตาเตือน จะจากเรือน เหมือนหนึ่งนก ที่จากรัง
Apart from being a perfect rose, Mr.Somyos’ son is also a jewel, “มณีแก้ว”. But there is a point to ponder here: if it uses “แก้ว”(glass), as a metaphor, Thai language will not flatter the “glass” as a stand alone object, all shining and brilliant, as “เธอคือมณีแก้วแพรวสดใส”. Thai language will say “แก้ว + ตา, แก้ว + ใจ”, a jewel in the eye, or in the heart of parents. Moreover, reaffirming that the “glass”(แก้ว) is all shining, brilliant, lustrous, sparkling, and fresh, “มณี+แก้ว+แพรว+สดใส” is superfluous. While word mis-placement of มณี + แก้ว made the reading bizarre. Just like we say bag + hand instead of handbag, or through + see instead of see-through.
As far as glass or "แก้ว" is concerned, if it deems necessary, Thai language will say แก้ว + มณี (not มณี + แก้ว) since the word มณี comes to modify แก้ว(glass) by differentiating it from an ordinary banal แก้ว(glass) in order that แก้ว(glass) will mean “jewel”.
A quote from อังคาร กัลยาณพงศ์, the contemporary Thai language great poet:
A quote from อังคาร กัลยาณพงศ์, the contemporary Thai language great poet:
“ความทุกข์มันเจียระไนเรา ให้เป็นมนุษย์ที่มีเหลี่ยมแพรวพราวขึ้น เป็นแก้วมณีหรือเพชรก็ได้....”
อังคาร, who is a giant in the practical use of Thai language, correctly say: แก้ว + มณี. I also have a friend -- her beautiful name is “แก้วมณี”. However, the word จินดามณี from Ayuthaya period which was reversed in a poem of โคลงโลกนิติ,
ภูเขาเหลือแหล่ล้วน ศิลา
หามณีจินดา ยากได้
หามณีจินดา ยากได้
The term มณีจินดา has a lengthy story, way out to the Sombrero Galaxy, I prefer not to mention it here. It is categorized in the same group of เพื่อนแก้ว, ช้างแก้ว, ม้าแก้ว etc. because จินดา means แก้วสารพัดนึก.
Back to our case, we say รถเก๋ง, and never say เก๋ง + รถ. We say สากกะเบือหิน, never say หิน + สากกะเบือ; and we say สากกะเบือไม้, never say ไม้ + สากกะเบือ. Finally we say แก้ว-มณี, not มณี-แก้ว.
In the second stanza we find that “เคี้ยวคด” is a word mis-shuffled of คดเคี้ยว. However, there is a world apart between เลี้่ยวลด in “เหมือนเถาวัลย์ พันเกี่ยว ที่เลี้ยวลด” of Sunthorn Phu, the great, and “เผด็จการอันเคี้ยวคด” of Mr.Somyos, the miniscule.
It’s nonsensical to draw an acoustic analogy between เลี้ยวลด and เคี้ยวคด. By reason of their parallel sounding melodies, Mr.Somyos cannot do parallel processing to make a parody of clumsy words mis-placement out of it. Fausse note!
Sorry, a Hakka person doesn’t have the liberty of yanking anything anywhere at will in Thai language. Sunshine of her smile is understandable in English, but you cannot yank the smile out of her sunshine.
Sorry, a Hakka person doesn’t have the liberty of yanking anything anywhere at will in Thai language. Sunshine of her smile is understandable in English, but you cannot yank the smile out of her sunshine.
2nd stanza: “tricky dictator, wicked law”.
By my own experience in Thailand , dictators in Thailand
Yet, I must confess of having a brief spell of icy shower from a clever tricky cunning idiot street thug sissy dictator who did try to dispense with the law. He is still unaccounted, for the killing of more than 2,500 people in the name of a fictitious “War on drug”. (What personal past did he try to hide?). In his imaginary war on drug, a sudden and violent death had moved close to almost anybody, able or disable, a child or an elderly. A ten years old boy was gunned down in the street of Bangkok by his death squad; and an elderly woman was gunned down in Ayuthaya, not counting his political killings in Pattaya, Chiengmai, and southern provinces. At that time the European Union - Thailand
Appallingly, a repressive thug state is the only political entity HE knows of. Now living on the other side of the border, under the names of Adolf Hakka, or Jay Edgar Hakka, or Sumdej Fucsin Shit-swine, please choose one according to your political preference. I could not spell his real name à la lettre because he is protected from my wicked, bad, satanic action by section 326 and 393 of Thai Criminal Code, and section 423 of Civil Code, the three laws I advocate that they be abolished for freedom of speech and liberty of expression in Thailand
--ขอเรียกร้อง สนับสนุน ยืนยัน ให้ยกเลิกกฎหมายอาญามาตรา 326 และ 393, กับประมวลแพ่งฯมาตรา 423 เพื่อสิทธิเสรีภาพในการพูด และการแสดงออก อย่างสมบูรณ์ในประเทศไทย. And mind you, sir, I distributed this article as well as posted on the Internet using my real name.
I understood that Adolf Hakka is a closet, bottom gay, pathologically fearful of his gayness being exposed. Apart from living a few months under the threat of icy shower of hot bullets from Adolf Hakka, most of the time that I’d lived in Thai culture and society, I never realized that I spent my life under any tricky dictator with wicked law.
As an alumni of French education, I am well aware that the legal system in Thailand
Comparative experiences of living in three foreign countries had also taught me something. Speaking three European languages and reading some Hindi, backpacking to India Paris , or having a good American breakfast in Hyde Park, Chicago University of Chicago Mexico City , or Salamanca , Spain
Let’s forget my BRAGGADOCIO, hmm…first time in my life that I have the opportunity to use this fantastic term. Most important of all, I went to the same high school in Bangkok
I have to add “… but phrase” at the end of the above paragraph to do justice to the school which has a prestigious list of alumni: a king of Thailand, a couple of Prime Ministers, business leaders, a few famous writers and political protesters, military commanders, a lot of jerks, weirdos, and now geeks, nerds and no life, plus a fair amount of plain unclassified crazy people.
Now, I live in my home village, southern Thailand
As a result, the first line of his second stanza, inevitably, overhelmed me with fright and awe. But it’s fasinating when I learned that I could be saved from living in hell I ignored all along by a superhero who is Mr.Somyos’ beautiful son. God fxxck Jesus Christ -- I had learned this spicy exclamation from a fellow student who came from
God fxxck Jesus Christ, don’t save me please, I fear your heaven!
His fourth and final “brave to” strikes me with a hard blow: brave to fight with intrusive love fighting bravery. With this complicated stylishly cheesy messy f_cked up phrase, my incomprehension had deepened into the heart of darkness, a complete blackout. I cannot even translate it into Thai.
3rd stanza: “marching the mass out of impasse”
Glorious. Mao must kowtow Mr.Somyos’ beautiful son. Gandhi will be sleepless in his new reincarnated body form. Thoreau and Martin Luther King will agitate in their tombs. All those motions are caused by Mr.Somyos’ beautiful son-and-flower who extraodinarily originated the peaceful civil disobedient movement, the long march leading the mass out of a big muddy bog, and who entertained a big cheesy dream. This is the most self-magnifying stanza of all poems the world has ever known -- vulgar and trivial. A perfect BRAGGADOCIO -- I feel extremely happy that I got the chance to use this word for a second time. Thanks to Mr.Somyos.
Finally, I would like to comment on the linguistic vitality of the term“nong”, an informal personal pronoun. The usage belongs to southern dialect where, 1) young ones can use it as first person pronoun to speak of themselves, 2) a mother can use it to kindly address her children, 3) any older people can use it as a second-person personal pronoun to speak to younger persons.
Not long ago, the term made its entry in Bangkok Bangkok Bangkok
The usage is a gentle way of speaking among Southerners, a geographical sub-culture which Mr. Somyos doesn’t belong. As for standard Thai, “nong” had become part of a polite greeting, with tint of paternalism, speaking to younger persons in popular milieu: usually waiters and waitresses, masseurs and masseuses, for example. Therefore, in standard Thai language one should be careful in using “nong”, otherwise one risks being rude. This is a common paradox of a polite expression in certain region that turns out to be improper in other places.
The fact that Mr.Somyos, coming from a Hakka family in Thonburi, overeagers to identify himself with the mass, and has adopted this intimate regional expression, culturally foreign to him, has resulted in a wrong key. It doesn’t ring true. It even sounds odd and queer, having a mixed sensation of coming sickness with sweet and sour rotten pork. As a person whose mother tongue is southern dialect, I immediately sense there is something out of tune. And I have an impression that the author was insultingly pretentious.
Tunes of Bolt-8
เสาวรจนี, นารีปราโมทย์, พิโรธวาทัง, สิลลาปังคพิสัย, these are styles of Bolt-8 composition which roughly means writing in praise of beauty, writing for courtship, writing in angry mode, and writing for melancholic mood.
The first stanza, “my son is a perfect flower”, can be classified into both เสาวรจนี -- in praise of beauty, and นารีปราโมทย์ -- writing for courtship. How in the world Mr.Somyos courts his cute son is his problem. The second stanza stands obviously for พิโรธวาทัง, expressing anger, while the last stanza tunes into the style of สิลลาปังคพิสัย, a melancholic mood. As far as composition styles are concerned, Mr.Somyos had used all the four tunes of Bolt-8 poetry in his “poem”. Bravo.
But, like in music, tunes and lyrics should go hand in hand. In this respect Mr.Somyos has to re-learn the music of words in the Thai language, and to practice listening to Thai musical melody and poetic tones.
Thereafter, he could know how to better put words into tunes. My critique of tunes is short; but considering the difficulty of using the silence of writing to talk about acoustic quality, I hope it could serve as a clue for your further research.
Critique of “good rhyming”
For Thai poetry, rhyming is king.
Rhyming of Bolt-8 poetry also comes with a dose of alliteration and in-line rhymes. You are not obliged to do in-line rhyming, or สัมผัสใน, but if you don’t do it you are not writing Bolt-8 poetry. Everybody knows this, I presume.
Since Thai poetry is meant to be chantable. Rhymes and alliteration make a pleasing chanting sound. Because Thai poems chant, rhythm somehow beats subconsciously into the lines of Thai poetry. There is no explicit rule for it, but you have to do it. Rhythm of Bolt-8 poem is usually 3-2-3, unstressed-unstressed-stressed, unstressed-stressed, unstressed-unstressed-stressed, for all of its Waks in each stanza.
The above poem differs in kind from Bolt-8, but it is a good example of how a poem can chant hypnotically. It has a melody that defies its own tune: simple, but heavenly. It is romantic without the word “love”. It does not egoistically chant for itself, but it makes your heart sing along. To my senses, there is no poem of the same genre on earth comparable to this one, of course, when it is chanted correctly, not even, ”puedo escribir los versos màs tristes esta noche”, of Pablo Neruda.
Analysis of the “poem” shows that Mr.Somyos is quasi-ignorant of the rhythm of Bolt-8 poetry. He has made a mess of the usual rhythm. But he does understand in-line rhyming and alliteration. It seems to me that he even takes in-line rhyming as the straitjacket of poetry itself.
But Thai prose also has rhymes (including: alliteration, assonance, consonance). My point, which might be shared by those who dig Thai language and poetry, is that Mr.Somyos did not realize the difference between Thai prose rhyming and rhymes of Thai poetry. Tu piges pas ça?
For example, สร้างสรรค์สังคม, ขบถต่อกฏเกณฑ์, รักหักหาญ, เกิดขบวนการ, ฝั่งแห่งความฝัน, วันฝันเป็นจริง as appeared in his “poem”, each phrase sounds the sound of prose rhyming and prose alliteration. But they are not poetic in-line rhymes.
A parrot in Thailand
“แต่งถูกต้องตามลักษณะบังคับ”: How Mr.Somyos fares in poetic pattern.
Back to the plan of Bolt-8 poetry at the beginning of this critique writing, the schema depicts that to bolt each stanza together the last syllable of the first stanza must be in rhyme with the last syllable of the first line of the second stanza. The inter-locking between stanzas of the whole piece of Bolt-8 poem, i.e. a whole book of พระอภัยมณี by Sunthorn Phu, was done this way.
Composing in accordance with Chanthalak(ฉันทลักษณ์), or poetic forms, means the poet follows this pattern of stanzas locking. And this is one of the few end-line-rhyming(สัมผัสนอก) obliged by Bolt-8 poetry.
Mr.Somyos ignored this fundamental rule. His “poem” has no end-line-rhyming between stanzas. He could have done it out of blind ignorance. Or, he did it intentionally since to follow the poetic form means additional difficulty in its composition. Hence, he pretended ignorance - a cop-out. Thirdly, he might be having fun misleading the audience and had taken a calculated risk that he could ever get caught.
Whatever the case, Mr.Somyos had tricked the readers to have the impression that he was composing a poem while in fact what he wrote is not poetry.
Its chantability
The inter-stanzas un-rhyming leads to another unpardonable insult to the fundamental nature of Thai poetry: its chantability.
If we force to space words in each Wak to suit the chanting rhythm, 3 - 2 - 3, of Bolt-8 poem, his “poem” will appear as follows,
One stanza of Bolt-8 poetry composes of two lines. Each line has two sentences, or Waks. There are, then, four Waks or sentences in each stanza.
Every Wak has its own tone particularity that the composer must observe. The specific tones are the result of governing nature of chantability. In the case of a highly developed tonal language like Thai language, one has to be aware of the music already inherited in a syllable. The music(tonal sound) of Mr.Somyos’ composition is analized in the paragraphs that follows.
A syllable with Rising tone (เสียงจัตวา).
The convention(หลักนิยม) of Bolt-8 poem states that in any stanza, its 2ndWak, or second sentence, which is also called กลอนรับ, the last syllable of กลอนรับ must be a syllable with Rising tone (เสียงจัตวา).
In the first stanza of Mr.Somyos’, while the word “ ใหม่ ” looks as if it fits the convention because “ ใหม่ ” begins with the alphabet “ห” that belongs to the High tone consonant class. Consonants of this class are likely to take on Rising tone(เสียงจัตวา), with some exceptions.
Where there is no tone mark (เครื่องหมายวรรณยุกต์) and the syllable is an open one(คำเป็น) i.e. “ ใหม ” , note that this time it is written without a tone marker, then it takes up a Rising tone(เสียงจัตวา) . However, when “ใหม” becomes “ใหม่” -with a tone mark ไม้เอก, then it has a different story to tell.
The syllable “ ใหม่ ” -with ไม้เอก tone mark, which is the word used by Mr.Somyos, takes up the opposite tone from “ ใหม ” -without tone mark -- and is pronounced with Low tone sound.
Thai writing is a system of symbolic rendition of sound par excellent. The following illustration in Thai language could shed more light on my argument. ม ม้า เป็นอักษรเดี่ยว ส่วน “หม” เป็นอักษรนำ ที่ไม่เหมือนอักษรนำอื่น ๆ เพราะสามารถออกเสียงผสมกันสนิทเหมือนอักษรควบแท้ การผันให้ครบเสียงวรรณยุกต์ จึงต้องใช้ทั้ง ม ม้า และ “หม” มาประกอบกัน จึงจะไ้ด้ครบห้าเสียง ดังนี้
เพราะฉะนั้น เราจะเห็นได้ว่า คำว่า “ไหม่” (หรือ “ใหม้” - ไม้ม้วน) เป็นคำ-หรือพยางค์-เสียงเอก ไม่ใช่คำ-หรือพยางค์-เสียงจัตวา
Placing a Low tone syllable in the position where a Rising tone is needed has a negative effect to the chantability of Bolt-8 poem.
The last syllable of กลอนรับ, in all stanzas of his composition, Mr.Somyos used the incorrect tone syllables: “ใหม่” in the first stanza, “ร้าย” in the second stanza, and “ตัน” in the final stanza. All of them are not syllables with Rising tone(เสียงจัตวา).
Categorically fausse notes all the way.
Sound of music: the last syllable of กลอนรอง
The convention, which basically is the convention of chantability, specifies that the last syllable of กลอนรอง, the 3rd Wak of each stanza, no Rising tone(เสียงจัตวา) and no syllable with any tone marker are allowed. The sound of this syllable must be “เสียงสามัญ”, or Mid tone. Mr.Somyos’ “poem” misused the syllable two times out of three.
The กลอนรอง of the first stanza ends with “ใส”--a Rising tone syllable, therefore he did it incorrectly here. The กลอนรอง of the third stanza ended with “ฝัน”, also a wrong syllable. However, he used the right tone syllable in the กลอนรอง of his second stanza.
On death row of กลอนส่ง
No Dead syllables(คำตาย) and no syllables with a tone mark are allowed as the end syllable of กลอนส่ง -- the 4th Wak of each stanza.
Dead and Live syllables are two fundamentals among the elements of tone conjugation, the attempt at sound rendition by symbolic coding in Thai alphabet system, which comprises: 1) Dead and Live syllables, 2) tone markers, 3) short and long vowels, 4) the finals of a syllable or mātrā (มาตรา), and 5) consonant classes.
In this case,Mr.Somyos was on the death row two times out of three.
He used a Dead syllable as the end syllable of the 4th Wak, or กลอนส่ง, of the first stanza; that is the syllable “กฎ” in the word “ปรากฎ”. And, he wrongly used a syllable with tone mark in the second stanza -- the word “กล้า”. However, he correctly placed “จริง” as end syllable of กลอนส่ง in his final stanza.
How did Mr.Somyos fare in the music of words?
In fact, the above few paragraphs that analyzed, argued and illustrated to prove the point could be a futile exercise, a pedantic rant at most. Sounds of the music of words are first and foremost experienced by one’s ears. It’s the acoustics that counts; therefore, it cannot be seen by the eyes, via any written critical analysis whatever.
Effectively, the simplest of all proof is to CHANT it.
But, when one tries to chant Mr.Somyos’ “poem”, the awkwardness, ความเฉิ่มและเสล่อ, will reveal itself. His “poem” will come out of the closet as fake, something queer and unlikely to be a poem known to any human ears that are familiar with this kind of Thai poetry.
The analogy that follows is as mad as I can get, to illustrate the rendition of Mr.Somyos’ “poem” in chant. Ever try to sing “Amazing Grace” , an iambic pentameter verse, with spondaic rhythm? Well, when you do it, Jupiter or Indra, according to my multi-gods belief, will send a flash of thunderbolt, not Bolt-8, striking right through the roof of your church.
As serious as that, voyons! Although I may exagerate here, but it is done
to give some life to my argument.
Conclusion: N’importe quoi.
Mr.Somyos did generously give the reader a treat of lined-up junk clichés. To successfully read the whole thing I had to transcend a dense neuron network of gabage being lightened up in my head. And that the critique ever reached its end I consider myself lucky. But strangely enough, once my writing had started I gradually became positive and optimistic -- about the critique not about the “poem”.
Getting caught on the Cambodian border, Mr.Somyos was unluckily bolted in jail for eleven years for loosing a court case. My elder brother used to work as a Bangkok Bangkok
May I suggest to the Correction Department that Mr.Somyos attend carpenter training course, specializing in making and installing doors’ and windows’ bolts. Nevertheless, I hope that he use his spare time in the next eleven years practicing Bolt-8 poetry. By the end of his jail term, he should be able to recognize the difference between “a door bolt” and “a piece of Bolt-8 poem”. Though they both are bolts.
Finally, I don’t think the way I describe him he sounds like a real idiot -- which is better than he actually is. Optimistically, I wish Mr.Somyos would be able to write poetry after having served his prison term, and that he end his poetic voyage with a normally functional anus.
สรุปการวิจารณ์ - พากษ์ำภาษาไทย
สับสนแยกไม่ออกกันเยอะนะ ระหว่าง “กลอน” ที่เป็นคำประพันธ์ กับกลอนประตู อันเป็นอุปกรณ์ก่อสร้างชิ้นเล็ก ๆ ชนิดหนึ่ง สองสิ่งนี้ต่างกัน แต่ก็ถือว่าเวลานี้สำหรับ คุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข มีโอกาสอันประเสริฐที่จะฝึกเขียนกลอน ระหว่างที่ชีวิตอยู่ในความอุปถัมภ์ ของราชการกรมราชทัณฑ์
สถาบันราชทัณฑ์มีการฝึกอาชีพอยู่ภายในระบบ ขออนุญาตสู่รู้—แบบประชาธิปไตย--เรียนเสนอท่านอธิบดีกรมราชทัณฑ์ ว่าคุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข น่าจะเข้ารับการฝึกอบรมด้านช่างก่อสร้าง โดยเน้นความชำนาญพิเศษเรื่องการติดตั้ง กลอนประัตู
การฝึกอาชีพดังกล่าวซึ่งมีกำหนดเวลาถึง 11 ปี น่าจะช่วยให้คุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข พัฒนาตนเองจนมีขีดความสามารถแยกแยะออก ระหว่างกลอนที่เป็นคำประพันธ์ชนิดหนึ่ง กับกลอนประตูุ ซึ่งก็กลอนเหมือนกัน แต่ต่างชนิดกัน
หากเวลาผ่านไปแล้ว 11 ปี การณ์กลับปรากฏว่า คุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข ก็ยังไม่เห็นความแตกต่างระหว่างของสองสิ่งนี้อยู่อีก ผู้วิจารณ์ก็จะขอยืนยันกระต่ายขาเดียว ใครจะเอาไปติดคุกติดตะรางที่ไหนก็ยอม ว่าคุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข ไม่มีความผิดอะไร ที่ไม่เห็นความแตกต่างระหว่างบทกลอน กับกลอนประตู แต่ผู้ดูแลหลักสูตรการฝึกอบรมดังกล่าว สมควรจะต้องพิจารณาตนเอง ซึ่งก็คือ ท่านอธิบดีกรมราชทัณฑ์
My final judgment of Mr.Somyos will be in analogous to the following stanza of a well-known English poem,
"Look at her, a prisoner of the gutter,
Condemned by every syllable she ever uttered.
By law she should be taken out and hung,
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue."
Condemned by every syllable she ever uttered.
By law she should be taken out and hung,
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue."
Hanging people is ugly. In line with the above poem, and in the spirit of Section 4 of Thai Civil Code, Mr.Somyos should be condemned with an additional eleven years prison term, bringing total serving term to twenty two years. And I would like to send him a Hallmark card on which written this Bolt-8 poem,
และจะขอฝากบทกวีกลอนแปด-โดยผู้ประพันธ์นิรนาม ไว้ให้อ่านเล่นในตะราง คุณสมยศ พฤกษาเกษมสุข จะได้รู้จักระวังตูดระวังตัว -- ตามความจริงของชีวิตคุก ระหว่างยี่สิบสองปี หรือสิบเอ็ดปี หรือกี่ปีก็แล้วแต่ ดังนี้
Thank you for your kind read.
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